at the presidential library

Trump Hotel

Criminal Luxury

Visitors to the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library have five star luxury tax and/or draft dodging options in the tradition of Trump Taj Mahal and Trump Soho.

Check-ins begin at sentencing.

Check outs with presidential pardon.

Amenities include:

  • 500 thread-count (stain resistant) sheets
  • Room service
  • Bedside urinals
  • Bathroom fixtures completely dripping in gold
    • Floor to ceiling plastic wrapping by request
  • Free phone calls (pre-recorded for FBI)
  • Safe capable of holding $130,000
  • Many packages available
    • Ask for the ‘Rudy’s Trousers’ option for a limited time.
    • Platinum Putin Plan: Get what you want and have America pay for it

Drumpf’s Diner

Our buffet is a wondrous selection of the most luxurious fast food, just like you can find at any mall food court in this great country of ours.

However, you won’t find lettuce and tomato on our half-pound hamberders, because we have to Make America Great Again and vegetables are for leftist communists. We want our taxes low and our cholesterol high!

If you’re in the mood for something lighter, visit our Freedom Fry Fountain, raining down a steady stream of golden showers of potatoes you can dip in an array of sauces unique to the taste palate of our dear leader himself.

If you prefer to order a la carte, we have all your favorite foods from tacos to buckets of chicken you can swallow whole. To parch your thirst, check out our Supreme Court Justice Diet Soda Fountain, because calories, much like an impartial judiciary, have no place in our drinks!

See the menu: MENU LINK

Felon’s Lounge

Rooftop Cocktails

In the spirit of contrition and rehabilitation, the Felon’s Lounge is fully staffed with some of the biggest names in business and industry, who through no fault of their own, were viciously prosecuted by partisan Republican nominated prosecutors for the simple act of showing loyalty to the president.

That is why we have spared no expense on our lounge. Mix and mingle with the phenomenal minds in obstruction and conspiracy, as they show you how to plausibly deny facts. Outfitted with fully stocked bar, soundproof meeting rooms, and phone room with a direct line to the MAGA man himself. You will be getting so much work done, you won’t want to get back to your cell. Our lounge also has a fully functional bankrupt casino.


Trump Links

Why work when you can play 18 holes?

Gold golf carts are paid for by the taxpayers to save you money!

Tue ‒ Sun: 10am ‒ 08pm
Mon: closed

Adults (Citizens): $25
Adults (Seniors): $10
Adults (Immigrants): $50
Children & Students: free

1 MAGA Lane
Nogales, AZ 85621